Confidential discussions concerning employees are pretty much the bread and butter of HR. However, the tone of these discussions is sometimes not too far removed from plain old gossip – or at least driven by the same base motivations that animate the slanderous tongue. It gets tricky when you are in a conversation which is decidedly becoming judgmental, cynical, and moralizing, and the whole thing is positioned as a kind of honor or privilege for you – the prerogative to pass judgement on people in absentia.
Nothing creates the illusion of cozy elitism like a bit of character assassination. It is, however, as chimerical an illusion as it comes, beguiling you into a sense of belonging to an inner-circle, while what you have is nothing more than a transitory convergence of malice masquerading as pious analysis. You feel like the whited sepulcher, and pretend to be matey and sincere towards the subject of your private censure the next time you meet them. But this duality is discomfiting for anyone who believes in authenticity.
Of course, playing the game and joining this smug arm-chair criticism comes at the price of knowing that you are legitimating a weapon that could also be pointed at you without a blink. One should take a principled stance at the outset, sound like a bit of a fogey, but clarify one’s views about where the line needs to be drawn in the flow of the conversation, when it starts feeling oppressive to nod your head. In my case, that line should reflect what I often cite as one of my 5 core values: Respect (the others being Family, Integrity, Humanity and Spirituality). Should I get the inwardly disturbing feeling that someone is being disrespected behind their back, it is incumbent upon me, if I am to honor the values I define myself by, to unequivocally but adroitly let my interlocutor know that we are on morally thin ice.
Notes to Self 
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